Who Killed Percy Weasley?
by LxAxMxMxY
Summary: It's Christmas at Hogwarts, Percy Weasley is dead, and everybody's a suspect.
1. Christmas in the Common Room

Snow fell in soft flakes from the sky, blanketing Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry in a thick white blanket. It was Christmas, and nearly everyone had gone home for the Holidays with the exception of a few students and teachers. Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, and Ron Weasley sat in the Gryffindor common room.  
  
"I don't see why mum made us stay at school this year," said Ron who was pouting in a large chair near the fire.  
  
Hermione Granger shot Ron one of her patented cutting glances. "Ron, you miserable bastard. Harry's had to spend every holiday at Hogwarts and you don't see him complaining."  
  
"It's either that or spend it with the Dursleys," said Harry. "At least here I'll get some decent presents."  
  
Ron ignored them. "It's not fair, Fred and George got to go home."  
  
"Fred and George also got suspended from school," said Hermione. "Your mom is usually quite kind, but I wouldn't want to be in Fred and George's position right now. She's probably beating them with a spoon right now."  
  
"And if you don't shut the hell up, Ron Weasley, I'll start beating YOU with a spoon," called a voice.  
  
"Grrowl! How hard and where?" he asked turning towards the voice. "Good Lord!" he exclaimed, his face contorting like he had just eaten an exceptionally sour pickle.  
  
Ginny Weasley stepped out into the common room. "Now now, Ron. How many times do I have to tell you? I'm not into incest."  
  
Ginny looked very good this year. As Harry and all the other boys noticed, she had gone from the shy little sister to a confident young woman. However, she never seemed to keep boyfriends for very long. So either she was a little whore, or she had some horrible personality defect.  
  
"Anyway," Ginny said to them, "the feast is about to start. If you don't hurry up, we're going to be late."  
  
Hermione turned to Ginny. "Do you know who has stayed behind this year?" she asked.  
  
"Well, Ron, Percy, and I are all here. Then there's Draco Malfoy, Cho Chang, and of course, you and Harry." said Ginny.  
  
Hermione looked like she wasn't paying much attention. "Who else, Ginny?"  
  
"Well, that's all the students, everyone else is a teacher."  
  
Hermione's eyes lit up, "What teachers are staying?"  
  
"Dumbledore, of course, then McGonagall, Trelawney, Snape..."  
  
Hermione cut Ginny off. "Well, we had better get downstairs before the feast starts. Wouldn't want to miss anything, now would we?" 


	2. The Feast

Ginny, Ron, Harry, and Hermione all made their way down towards the Great Hall, Hermione in the lead.  
  
"No running in the hall, Miss Granger."  
  
It was Percy Weasley. "Now, as much as it pains me to do this, I'm afraid you've left me no choice but to dock 10 points from Gryffindor for your foolish behavior."  
  
Hermione scowled at him more menacingly than she had ever scowled in her life. "Come on, Hermione," said Harry, pulling at her arm. "He's not worth losing more points over."  
  
The Great Hall was decorated beautifully for the Holidays. The large house tables are gone, and instead, one long table sat in its place. Dumbledore sat at the head of the table, with the teachers on the sides of him. Draco Malfoy and Cho Chang were at the opposite end of the table. The entering Gryffindors filled in the remaining seats in the middle. Ron went to take a seat next to Cho Chang, but Percy pushed him out of the way.  
  
"Why don't you sit by your little friends, Ronny?" he said. Ron looked very angry, but took the next seat over between Percy and Harry.  
  
"Hoho! Jolly good Christmas this year!" Dumbledore said once everyone was at the table. To that, a few people gave an unenthusiastic sighs of acknowledgement. It appeared nobody was all too happy to be there. "Well, let the feast begin!" said Dumbledore, waving his hand in the air.  
  
The food was spread across the table. Everything looked delicious. "Oh!" exclaimed Hermione, "the Shepard's Pie looks delicious!" She reached greedily across the table, accidentally hitting Professor Snape in the arm.  
  
"Oh, Professor Snape!" said Hermione, growing red. "I'm so sorry. I didn't see you there."  
  
"What-ever!" said Cho Chang. "I saw you make a mad dash to get that seat. Do you THINK you could have moved your chair any closer to his? You're practically sitting on top of him."  
  
Hermione glared at Cho and Professor Snape looked absolutely disgusted. Luckily for him, Dumbledore changed the conversation.   
  
"Hey, Professor Snape, pull my finger." Okay, maybe it wasn't that great of a subject change. Professor Snape glanced quizzically at Professor Dumbledore.  
  
At that exact moment, the lights begin to flicker. What is going on? Everyone looked at each other, and suddenly the room went black. CRASH! Something was going on. Things were being thrown from the table. Suddenly, a green light shot out and the movement stopped. As suddenly as they had gone out, the lights were restored. Everyone looked around befuddled.  
  
"Aaah!" screamed Cho Chang. "Percy Weasley is dead!" 


	3. After the Murder

Everyone was looking around. "Oh my God we're all going to die!" shouted Draco Malfoy. McGonagall looked at him and raised her eyebrows.  
  
"You all were here," said Hermione Granger, "you all had motive. Somebody in this room killed Percy Weasley." Everyone looked from person to person.  
  
"I know who did it!" said Harry. "It was Snape!" Everyone rolled their eyes. "No really! It has to be! I heard him muttering incantations! He killed Percy Weasley!"   
  
Professor Snape turned around. Maybe it was because he was used to Harry blaming him every time anything went wrong, but he didn't look that upset. "How many times have you accused me of various forms of murder and foul play, Mr. Potter?" he said. "Hmm? And how many of those times have you been correct?"   
  
"You are so lucky to have me with you for dinner!" exclaimed Professor Trelawney. "I have the INNER EYE, and I will be able to use my powers to tell you exactly who killed Percy Weasley." She closed her eyes and placed her fingers to her temples, chanting strangely. "Emmm, emmm, emmm.... Yes! It was Colonel Mustard in the Conservatory with the Wrench!"  
  
Everyone looked at her skeptically. "Umm, that was just a practice," she said, "I'm getting it, I'm getting it. Oh! Of course! Why hadn't I thought of this before! It was.... THE GRIM!"  
  
This time people groaned out loud without concern for Professor Trelawney's ego. "Now now!" said Professor Dumbledore. "Miss Granger is right. Someone killed young Percy Weasley. I would like everyone to follow me to my office. Nobody will be allowed to leave until we can figure out the culprit."  
  
Everyone left the Great Hall and went up to Dumbledore's office.  
  
"Professor Snape, would you fetch me the Veritaserum," said Professor Dumbledore. "Now, I expect one of you know what Veritaserum is used for."  
  
"I do, Professor!" said Hermione Granger, her hand waving wildly. "Veritaserum, also known as Truth Potion, when drank will force the drinker to be completely truthful and to answer every question honestly. It is a very powerful potion strict guidelines for its use have been set by the Ministry of Magic."  
  
"Very good, Miss Granger!" said Dumbledore. "A billion points to Gryffindor!"   
  
Professor McGonagall looked at him skeptically.  
  
"Isn't this Who's Line is it Anyway? Where everything is made up and the points don't matter?" McGonagall shook her head. "Oh," said Professor Dumbledore, "well, make it 10 points then."  
  
Just then, Professor Snape returned with the bottle. "Shall we begin the interrogations then?" she said.  
  
"Certainly, Professor Snape," said Dumbledore. "Before you speak, I would like you to take some Veritaserum. Let the interrogations begin! We'll start with you Mr. Potter." 


	4. The Interrogations Part 1

"To tell you the truth, I never liked Percy all that well. He had such a superiority about him," said Harry. "I would come to the Burrow and all the Weasleys would be so good to me, all except Percy. And if he ever caught me out late, do you THINK he'd ever let it slide? No, reported me straight away that one! He treated me so poorly!"  
  
"You mean he wasn't one of your obsessive groupies, Potter?" said Malfoy. "I never liked Percy either, but I'm finding a new appreciation for him."  
  
"Okay," said Harry. "I know I've always made out my fame to be a burden, but it's been quite beneficial at times. Look at Hollywood. In the Muggle world celebrities like myself can kill their wives and get away with it, but could I be out at night? No! Percy had a thing or two to learn about celebrity."  
  
"I always knew it," said Professor Snape. "You are so like your father. Always showing off, thinking the rules don't apply to you."  
  
"Don't forget you're a suspect too, Snapey," said Harry in a tone more sharp and cocky usual. "You had motivations as well, let's hear them."  
  
Professor Snape took a swig of the Veritaserum. "I'll admit I was not a fan of Percy Weasley myself. Everyone knew he prided himself upon being a cheeky little scab. Though what's not known about him is he actually broke most of the rules he enforced upon you," said Snape. "If there's one thing I cannot stand it's people flaunting their power that they abuse in such a manner. I patrol the hallways at night myself quite often. The things I would catch that boy doing. And his little girlfriend. Despite my best efforts to put Mr. Weasley into his place, he would not listen to reason. He continued tramping around so smugly because no one would believe Percy Weasley would do such things. And until tonight, who of you would have believed me?"  
  
"That's my brother!" said Ron, his face flushed. "I still don't believe you and if you say anything like that again, I'll make you eat your words!"  
  
"I cannot help the fact that your brother was a fraud and a liar," said Snape icily. "As for your little threat, I must warn you, play with fire and you will get burned."  
  
"That's enough!" shouted Dumbledore. "I would like to hear from the young Mr. Weasley here."  
  
"Percy was my brother, and I loved him," began Ron. "But that love was deep down, very deep. He was always showing off, Prefect, Head Boy... Mum was always comparing me to him. He was a bloody show off. My Mum would always believe his word before she'd believe any of the rest of us. With Percy in the family, nothing was ever good enough."  
  
"Aww pwoor wittle Wonny," said Draco. "My mummy loved my bwother more than she loved me, boo hoo hoo!"   
  
Smack! Ron's shoe came flying across the room and hit Malfoy straight in the face.  
  
By this time Dumbledore had given up trying to subdue them all. Harry stood up though and looked directly at Draco, "You've been quick to mock, Malfoy. But we haven't heard your testimonial yet."  
  
"You are right Harry," said Professor McGonagall. "Do proceed, Mr. Malfoy."  
  
Draco picked up the bottle of Veritaserum and took much too large a drink. "I never liked him, not for any of your miserable excuses for reasons, but simply because he was a filthy blood-traitor," said Draco. "You heard me right, blood-traitor. He thought he was hot stuff with his little badges, trying to corral us like dogs. To think! Me, taking orders from a filthy mudblood-lover. The only thing worse than being a mudblood is being a mudblood lover. It is one thing to be filthy, but it's entirely worse to want to be near the filthy. The Weasleys have always tarnished the name of wizard. And Percy could have been the worst of them. Talking down to me like he was so high and mighty when he was the blood traitor!"  
  
Hermione was crying on the ground. "Hush dear, it is the Veritaserum. You should have known he'd say something like that," said McGongall.  
  
"Let the mudblood give her statement!" cried Draco, still under the effects of the serum.  
  
"I do not think Miss Granger is in the condition to do that as of yet, but if no one else will go, I will," said McGonagall. 


	5. The Interrogations Part 2

McGonagall cleared her throat and began her statement. "Yes, Percy Weasley was in my house, though I cannot honestly see why he was sorted there. He was a good student, bright enough for Ravenclaw. But he had the love of power that was so characteristically Slytherin." Snape shot McGongall a look, revolted she would suggest that Percy Weasley should have been in his house.  
  
"Anyway, Percy wanted to be on the Gryffindor Quidditch team for years. But he simply wasn't a very good flyer and I refused to put him on the team. He tried bribing the other members during tryouts one year, but they were not going to let him on either. He always resented me and blamed me for not getting onto the team. He said I swayed the other members. Ever since, I have received various menacing letters, which I suspect were from Percy Weasley. I must honestly say that I could not tolerate or like someone who would do such things, completely against the rules of this school and against the philosophy of a Gryffindor. But since I had no proof the letters were from him, I had no choice but to pretend it never happened."  
  
"Ah! It looks like Miss Granger has pulled herself together," said Dumbledore. "She may go next."  
  
"I never told anyone this before," said Hermione. "But Percy and I had a relationship" Draco looked like he was ready to say something very mean and Ron looked about to cry. "Anyway," continued Hermione, "I admired his intelligence and the fact that he held such good positions in the school."  
  
"What kind of positions?" said Draco, cracking up. Professor Snape pulled out his wand and pointed it towards Malfoy. "Silencio!" Everyone looked at Snape rather funny. "I do occasionally punish people within my own house you know."  
  
Hermione went on. "The relationship turned pretty sour. He was so controlling, and always scolded me if I let on at all about our relationship. He kept it private for fear that he would look bad to be going out with someone so much younger. But actually, he was dating Penelope Clearwater at the time, unbeknownst to me of course. When I found out, I tried to break it off. But he would have none of it. Finally, I managed to leave, but he didn't take it well and spread nasty rumors about me being a, well, a lesbian. Which isn't true. But of course I hated him after that."  
  
"Ooh! My turn now!" said Trelawney.  
  
"I do not need any of that serum! I am always truthful!" she said, pushing away the bottle, which fell with a crash to the floor. "You insolent fraud!" said Professor Snape. "That was my last bottle of Veritaserum!" Dumbledore stroked his chin a moment, then said, "We will just have to let the rest testify on their honor."  
  
"How is THAT fair!?!?" said Hermione. "I revealed much more than I ever wanted to."   
  
Snape nodded in agreement, "I hate to admit it, but I have to concur with Miss Granger. Why bother with these testimonies if we cannot continue them with the utmost honesty?" Draco, who had been un-Charmed piped in, "Yeah, I notice you haven't gone yet, Dumbledore! Hmm, lucky coincidence, you mudblood lover?"  
  
Everyone looked shocked that he'd say such things, but Hermione looked happy. "Draco is obviously still under the influence. I have an idea, mind you it's rather disgusting. But if you were to exchange spit with him, you would most likely be under the effects of the Veritaserum as well." Yeah, it was gross, but Trelawney went right for him. "What are you doing you loony old hag!" said Draco after she pulled away from his mouth.  
  
Her eyes glazed over, "The DARK LORD WILL RISE AGAIN." Harry looked nonplussed, "Psh! We've already heard that, she'd obviously no help, let's move on. To Cho Chang perhaps? I'll kiss Draco first, then you can kiss me!"  
  
Cho rolled her eyes, and moved for Draco directly. "Yeowza!" said Draco after her mouth moved from his. "Now that's a spicy meatball!" She twinkled her eyes at him, then started her interrogation. "I've always been the doll of Hogwarts. Just look around you, who here is prettier than I am? No offence Hermione, Professor McGongall, Trelawney. Anyway, Percy obviously wanted to get some of this. And I do admit I enjoyed leading him on a little bit. But he got rather obsessed and found out some of, err, my dirtier secrets. Just two days ago, he started blackmailing me. He said that if I didn't go out with him and do everything he wanted, he would tell everyone. I had a week to think it over and get back to him. I was very angry."  
  
"But I think we all really want to know what this secret is," said Ginny.  
  
"Well, lets just say it involves a certain video of me and someone I shouldn't have, err, been seeing," said Cho.  
  
"Video? Is he a muggle?" asked Hermione.  
  
"I think we've all heard enough about Miss Chang's personal life," said Professor Snape. "Miss Weasley, we have not heard from you yet."  
  
Ginny wasted no time to go snog Draco Malfoy. "I've been wanting to do that for a very long time," she said. "Err, the potion's already kicked in, hasn't it?" McGonagall nodded and her face got very red. "Well, about Percy, there's not much to tell. Except for the fact that I hated him! I remember when I was dating Michael Corner. Percy was so awful to him. It was all Percy's fault we broke up. He said that I ought to behave like a young lady. He couldn't understand that girls have needs and desires just like boys do. He wanted me to act all nun-like and have to fun at all. So I would sneak out at night. My boyfriend, Butch "the Devil" Beade was there to pick me up on his motorcycle one night. He never got into any school, he works at a tattoo parlor. Did you know muggle tattoos don't even move? Well, Percy caught us and said he was going to send an Owl to mum this weekend. I need to get my jollies too. I was rather upset."  
  
"Errr, yeah," said Ron, who looked very grossed out. "So I guess that's everyone."  
  
"You forgot Old Dumb-ly-dore!" said a drunken sounding Draco Malfoy.  
  
"Ah yes," said Dumbledore. "And take some of this," he said handing a flask to Draco. "It helps when one is drunk, and since a Veritaserum overdose is similar to drunkeness, it may help."  
  
"Make no mistake," said Dumbledore. "I was well aware of everything you all said this evening. Even Ginny Weasley's, err, escapades. There really isn't much more I can add. I always thought Percy was a little shifty, and I was under the impression that he would be trying something, something very big next to add to his power, but I'm afraid his secret went with him to his grave."  
  
"That's IT?!?!" said Draco. "Boo! I want my hic money back! We all said something MUCH more interesting than that!"  
  
"Oh well, it's time to go look for clues now!" said Hermione. "Hurry, or the trail will get cold." 


	6. The Rum of Requirement

"I suggest we get to looking for clues in groups," says McGonagall. "We can cover more ground that way." Dumbledore looks at her in agreement, "Very good, we will split into two groups," he said. "I've taken the liberty of dividing us already."  
  
"Ginny, Draco, Hermione, Professor Snape, and myself will be in Group A," he said. "Professor McGonagall, I'd like you and Professor Trelawney to take Ron, Harry, and Cho. You will be Group B, let's head out."  
  
"Aww," said Draco, "I always get stuck with the losers. Now Cho Chang's team, Grrrowl!"  
  
Dumbledore lead his team down the corridor. "I don't see why we're looking around for a dangerous killer ourselves," said Hermione.  
  
Draco turned to her, very drunk and wobbly looking, "Ummmm, who have you been fighting these past years if you're so afraid of killers? Now for the love of God, could somebody please get me some rum!"  
  
"Here we are!" said Dumbledore. He opened the door to the Room of Requirement and everyone went in. Percy's dead body lay in the middle of the room. "Oh yes, I thought it would turn up there. Now, we will perform an autopsy of sorts to see just how Percy Weasley died."  
  
"RUM!!" shouted Draco. He ran to a bottle in the corner and started kissing it. "Oh yes! I love this room! If the Room of Requirement was a girl, I would jump on it."  
  
Suddenly, Professor Snape went rigid. "Somebody's coming!" he said.  
  
"I've got it covered," said Dumbledore. He appeared to be concentrating and the room turned into a glorious lounge of sorts, playing some crazy jazz music. In place of robes, everyone looks like a bunch of flappers and mobsters. But poor Snape, instead of wearing a suit and a very awesome hat like the rest of the boys, was in a flapper dress with a rather large feather sticking out behind his head. He looked quite angry and was about to say something, when the footsteps got closer.  
  
"Quickly, you need to all pretend that you are doing something," said Professor Dumbledore. Draco and Ginny started sipping some rum, Dumbledore was fiddling with the record player, but Hermione stood there, unmoving.  
  
"Professor, what do we do with Percy's dead body?" Sure enough, Percy's body still lay in the middle of the floor. Dumbledore looked up. "Hmm, we'll need a good cover. Ginny, you know what to do."  
  
Ginny reluctantly left her place alongside Draco. She pulled Percy's body onto one of the plush velvet sofas and appeared to be making out with it.  
  
"What the hell?" shouted Draco. "That's your brother AND he's dead!"  
  
"It's a cover, don't worry about it," said Ginny.  
  
Suddenly, Hermione jumped on top of Professor Snape and pushed him onto another one of the nearby couches and forcefully starts making out with him. Professor Snape tries to push her away, but at that very moment, the door opened. 


	7. I Feel Sorry for Her Mirror

Two Ministry officials walk into the room.   
  
"Good Lord! This looks like some kind of orgy!" said a fit man who looked to be in his 40s.  
  
"Err, you sure we've got the right place, Bob?" asked the other, who was about the same age, but overweight rather than fit. "This just looks like a party of sorts."   
  
The man who apparently was named Bob cleared his throat. "Ahem. We are here from the Ministry of Magic. We have reports of the unforgivable curse, Avada Kedavra being used here and we are here to check that out."   
  
The two men walked around the room, past Dumbledore, Draco, and the two couples making out on the couch.  
  
"What in the hell is that!" exclaimed Bob as he passed one of the couches. "Lou, get over here!"  
  
Lou walked past Hermione and Snape, staring intently. "She must be drunk," he finally said to Bob. "Wonder if she knows she's making out with another girl."  
  
Bob's face scrunched up, "That's a girl?" she said nodding towards Snape. "I feel sorry for her mirror."   
  
Lou moved in closer. "It has to be a girl, why else would she have a dress on?"  
  
Snape was pretty angry and embarrassed. His cheeks flared up a bright red and his eyes narrowed.  
  
"Ouch! You bit me!" hissed Hermione, who's lip was now bleeding.  
  
"Excuse me, gentlemen," said Dumbledore. "I am the Headmaster at this school, may I help you with something."  
  
Bob turned around, facing Dumbledore quite gruffly. "Yes, just what the hell is going on? This is supposed to be an institute of learning, and young girls are making out with very ugly middle-aged women. And even more importantly, someone used Avada Kedavra right under your nose. And look, that kid is drinking his weight in rum!"  
  
Draco Malfoy turned to them, "Oh yes, do try the rum!"  
  
"Are you mocking my partner?" said Lou, moving towards Draco.  
  
"He's your partner? Haha! Hermione Granger should be in here, then it'd be a real rainbow convention!" said Draco.  
  
"Why you little!" exclaimed Lou rushing towards Draco, but he was stopped by Bob. "No sense in getting brutality charges against you," Bob said. "I'm afraid we'll have to take all of you in for questioning..."  
  
"Inpedimenta!"  
  
The two cops are frozen still and everyone looks at Ginny, who's wand was smoking. "Come on! Now's our chance!" she says. "We need to get away from the pigs now! Quick! We need to disguise ourselves in case they see us again." 


	8. But Her Outfit Was So Tacky

Meanwhile, Professor McGonagall and the rest of Team B made it to the Great Hall. She turned to address the rest of the group. "Okay, we are at the scene of the murder. I would like you all to look for any clues you could find."  
  
"I already TOLD you," said Harry. "It was Professor Snape!"  
  
Nobody paid him any attention though. I found a clue!" said Ron. Everyone rushed over and see him holding up a shoe, his shoe no less. "Umm, Ron," says McGonagall, "that's just your shoe." He turns to her angrily "Are you trying to make me look stupid in front of the others." She replies to him cooly, "You don't need any help from me, sir." "That's right!" he said smugly.  
  
Ding-Dong! Everyone whirled around. "That's funny," said McGonagall, "Hogwarts doesn't have a doorbell." Everyone slowly approached the front gate and opened it. In the arch, a young woman stood there and started singing.  
  
"I am your singing telegram." BANG Cho Chang stood there holding a smoking gun.  
  
"You!" you says McGonagall, "That could have been valuable evidence!"  
  
"But her outfit was so tacky," Cho returned nonchalantly.  
  
I'll expose you!" exclaimed McGonagall.  
  
She turned and said cooly, "No need, I chose to expose myself."   
  
"PLEASE!" shouted Trelawney from behind, "there are little boys present."   
  
Ron nods at them, "That's okay, I'd kind of like to see Cho exposed."   
  
SLAP Cho smacked him across the face, but looked somewhat pleased.  
  
"Anyway, I suppose there is nothing we can do now," said Professor McGonagall. "Let's go back into the Great Hall and look for some more clues."  
  
Everyone followed her back, even Cho Chang, who was looking rather sulky. "It was self-defense, you believe me, don't you Ronald?" she said to Ron, who looked love-struck.  
  
Back in the Great Hall, everyone started looking for clues again, well, everyone except Ron and Cho who made a detour to the broom closet and were now making out with one another.  
  
Professor McGongall was searching near the door. "Ahh!! Goodness! Professor Trelawney, please come look at this at once!" McGonagall scanned the room, but the only other person she could find was Harry, so she called to him. "Harry, Harry, come here quickly please."  
  
Harry dashed across to where Professor McGonagall was standing. He looked down to see a red trail of blood leading from the Great Hall. "It's most certainly the killer!" said McGonagall.  
  
"Isn't Professor Snape supposed to be with the others?" asked Harry. McGonagall bopped him on the head a good one. "Would you quit that nonsense! The killer must have struck again. And since you and I are the only ones here, we'll have to investigate. Where have all the others gone to? I just hope the killer doesn't have them..." 


	9. Ve Are Traveling Band of Gypsies

While Team B was busy following a trail of blood, Team A had just used the Impediment Jinx on two Ministry Officials and were figuring out what to do next.  
  
"What are you waiting for?" demanded Ginny. "Disguise yourselves, right now!"  
  
And with that, a flicker of wands moved through the air and everyone was disguised. Dumbledore made a very convincing Sea Captain, while Snape was dressed as a Hurdy-Gurdy player. Draco was a Pirate and Hermione was a Gypsy.  
  
"Okay," said Ginny, who looked like a really cheap prostitute, "we'll need to divide up in the most logical groups. I guess that means the pirate and the sea captain are with me and the gypsy and hurdy-gurdy player are together. My group will work on getting Percy's body back up to Dumbledore's office, and I'd like you two to go into the store room and try to find some more Veritaserum. Why we didn't just give some to everyone initially and simply ask them if they killed Percy is beyond me. But hey, this wouldn't be much of a mystery then, now would it have?"  
  
Hermione and Snape started walking towards the basement storeroom. The silence was deafening for a while, when Hermione finally spoke. "You really are a good kisser, Professor Snape." He continued without saying anything. Hermione cleared her throat, "Ahem, umm, that is a complement you know." Again, nothing. "Look, sorry about just jumping on you back there, but you know, the Ministry officials were coming and I was so scared..." He kept right on ignoring her. Hermione looked pale and stopped dead in her tracks.  
  
"LISTEN TO ME, DAMMIT!" she screamed. "I WANT YOU IN BED! DO ME RIGHT NOW! OKAY?"  
  
Professor Snape stopped as well and stared at Hermione a minute. "Don't you get enough of that from Mr. Potter and Mr. Weasley? Of course, then there are your little girlfriends. You really are the town bicycle."  
  
"I AM NOT A LESBIAN!" shouted Hermione. She ran at Snape full force and started slapping at him then pulled out her wand and aimed it straight at him."  
  
"Do put that thing away before you hurt yourself," he said indifferently plucking the wand from her grasp. Hermione, her rage subdued, let out a stream of tears.  
  
"Compose yourself!" he demanded of her. "If you weren't crying like a little schoolgirl, you would hear there are footsteps behind us."  
  
Hemione obliged, and turned around just in time to see Bob and Lou, who were unfrozen. Apparently, they did not realize Hermione and Snape had been in the Room of Requirement.  
  
"Gypsies?" said Lou.  
  
"Tramps and theives!" scoffed Bob. "What are you doing at Hogwarts?"  
  
Hermione looks up at them, "Ve are traveling band of Gypsies. Ve going to perform for ze children."  
  
"Oh really?" says Bob. "Prove it!" 


	10. Follow the Yummy Red Trail

In the meantime, Harry and McGonagall were in hot pursuit of the killer. They followed the trail all over the school.  
  
"Mwah ha ha ha ha!!!!" echoed a voice. Professor McGonagall pulled on the back of Harry's shirt. "Do not move a muscle," she said.  
  
Sure enough, they could see a shadow rising. It looked like it was a person. They were cackling and some liquid was dripping off of their hands. They licked the liquid off of their hands and disappeared.  
  
"What was THAT?" asked Harry.  
  
"It was more than likely the killer," said Professor McGonagall. "Come on, we need to trap it and I've got a plan."

* * *

Ron and Cho slowly exited the broom closet and made their way back to the Great Hall.  
  
"Hello... anybody in here?" said Ron, opening the door to the Great Hall.  
  
"You are such an idiot, Ron!" shouted Cho. "Do you want to lead the killer right to us or what? Anyway, I need to find a bathroom. Thanks to your horrible making out skills, my lipstick is all smudged and I must reapply it."  
  
The two of them made their way down the hall, when something caught their eye. It was Professor Trelawney, surrounded by a great red pool of blood!  
  
Ron ran over immediately. "Professor Trelawney! Cho, she's dead! Surrounded by all her sweet-smelling blood. Mmmm, blood."  
  
"Don't go all vampire on me now, Ron," said Cho, carefully making her way to Trelawney, trying not to stain her dress. "You should have got all that neck-biting out of your system by now, you certainly bit me enough."  
  
Cho bent down to inspect the blood. "You idiot! This isn't blood at all! It's sherry. Trelawney was obviously drunk on sherry, broke her bottle, and left this red trail behind her."  
  
Ron looked rather sheepishly at her. But suddenly, a very loud noise was coming for them.  
  
It looked like... Fluffy! 


	11. Everyone Thinks I'm a Pompous Windbag

At the same time Fluffy was charging down one part of the school, Dumbledore, Draco, and Ginny were carrying Percy's corpse down the other.  
  
"Ugh!" sighed Draco Malfoy. "I used to hate Percy mainly because he was a mudblood lover," he said while dragging Percy's body. "But now, I think I hate him more because he's a fat ass."  
  
"DUMBLEDORE!!!" exclaimed a very angry male's voice coming from behind them. It was the Minister of Magic, Cornelius Fudge.  
  
"Oh shit!" said Dumbledore, who took off running.  
  
"Just wait till I get you, you senile old bat!" shouted Fudge as he waved a club madly in the air.  
  
Draco and Ginny looked at one another and shrugged their shoulders. Then they dropped Percy and started making out.  
  
"Dumbledore! Get back here this instant! You have a lot of explaining to do!" shouted Fudge.  
  
Dumbledore ran past Ginny and Draco. "Pull your tongues out of one another's mouths long enough to cover for me, okay?" he said with a wink and ran off to his office, slamming the door.  
  
Out of breath, Fudge returned to Draco and Ginny. "Since your headmaster ran off, maybe you can answer a few questions for me. First, why are you dressed up as like that, and second, why are there flies swarming over that sleeping young man right there."  
  
Crap! They had totally forgot about Percy who was laying on the floor as an assortment of bugs began crawling over his body.  
  
"Um, we're dressed up like this because... uhhh... we're in the Hogwarts Drama Club and we're putting on Pirates of the Caribbean."  
  
"Yes! Try the rum!" said Draco, swaying in a drunken stupor.  
  
"Hogwarts Drama Club? I've never heard of it," began Fudge. "And you missy, you're no Keira Knightley. But your Jack Sparrow is very convincing. You would think he's really drunk. Haha!"  
  
"Umm, yeah, you'd think so wouldn't you," said Ginny, her eyes shifting nervously.  
  
"And what about this young man here?" asked Fudge.  
  
"He, he's asleep, and he's rather smelly so the bugs seem to be attracted to him," Ginny explained.  
  
"Well, wake him up, I'd like to talk to him," said Fudge.  
  
Ginny looked like her eyes were about to pop out. She turned to Draco. He pulled out of his drunkenness long enough to point his wand at mutter "Vantriliquo!" Ginny let out a sigh of relief. Now, she would be able to throw her voice into Percy without moving her lips at all.  
  
She moved towards Percy's body. "Time to get up now," she said lifting him off the floor. Draco positioned himself in the shadows and pointed his wand at Percy and started moving the corpse.  
  
"OOooh! It's Cornelius Fudge!" exclaimed Percy, clasping his hand dramatically to his face. Maybe letting the drunk control the movement wasn't such a great idea. "You are my hero, I've always wanted to be like you. Everyone thinks I'm a pompous windbag, but all I really want is to be just like you!"  
  
"It's so nice to see a young man so alive with the understanding of politics!" said Fudge. "Let me shake your hand!"  
  
Draco swished his wand and flung Percy's dead hand out, pulling is body forward with it.  
  
"Uhh, you have rather clammy hands young sir," said Fudge. "But seeing as you were so anxious to shake my hand, I'll overlook that. Okay kids, I think I've got everything sorted out now. It's back to the Ministry for me. And you," he said turning towards Percy, "we have room in the Ministry for people like you!"


	12. White Puffy Clouds

When last we left off with Snape and Hermione, they were dressed as gypsies on their way looking for more Veritaserum. However, on their way they were cornered by Ministry goons, Bob and Lou.  
  
"Yeah," said Lou. "If you're gypsies, prove it!"  
  
Hermione glanced up at Professor Snape. "Play ze music!" she shouted.  
  
Professor Snape picked up his Hurdy-Gurdy and started playing a lovely little melody as Hermione began to dance and sing.  
  
_"Gypsees tramps an' tieves, ve 'ear it from ze people a de town,"_ she sang.  
  
"Yay!" shouted Lou, who was now dancing along with Hermione.  
  
"What are you doing?" snapped Bob. "I demand you stop that at once... err," his tone changed, "just keep playing till we forget all our troubles."  
  
Hermione kept dancing and the Ministry officials looked more and more dazed until they finally fell to the floor.  
  
Professor Snape stopped playing and bent down towards them. "They're out cold," he said.  
  
"Now's our chance!" said Hermione, grabbing Professor Snape by the hand and dashing towards the dungeons. After they were far away, they took a minute to catch their breath by a wall. Hermione looked hesitantly at Snape, wondering whether or not she should say anything. But her mouth eventually won the war against her better judgment.  
  
"You were amazing back there," she said. "You play really well, you know."  
  
Suprisingly, he turned to her and said, "You weren't half bad yourself. Are you sure you don't have any Veela in you?"  
  
Hemione giggled, and realizing he had said something nice, Professor Snape went right back to his brisk self. "We need to find out way into the storeroom, this is where Hogwarts keeps all its extra materials, many of which are very valuable."  
  
Hermione and Snape wandered down a curvy stone spiral staircase into a very dark and damp part of the dungeon. "Lumos!" said Professor Snape, and Hermione followed suit." They walked until they got to the darkest, most far back section of the dungeon when Snape stopped abruptly.  
  
"Here we are," he said. He turned to the portrait of a rather stodgy looking old man and muttered a password. He and Hermione went inside.  
  
"Now," he said, "sit down and try to stay out of my way. Finding the Veritaserum is of the utmost importance, I can't waste my time babysitting."  
  
Hermione flounced down onto a bench and put her head in her hands sulkily. "I don't understand why I can't help," she said. "I'm the smartest girl in my year."  
  
"There is a difference between being intelligent and being an insufferable know-it-all, Miss Granger."  
  
With that, Hermione stood up sharply. "I am intelligent, and furthermore, I'm going to make myself useful and help you find the Veritaserum."  
  
"I see you will not listen to reason," said Snape, his lips curling into a sneer. "Fine, look all you want and think you're helping, just try not to break anything."  
  
Hermione started rummaging through the supplies alongside Professor Snape. "Is this it?" she asked holding up a glass flask containing what appeared to be some swirling white clouds.  
  
Snape barely looked up. "You foolish girl. Veritaserum is a clear liquid. Congratulations, you lose."  
  
"Well_ sorry_ Professor Snape," shot Hermione angrily as she set the bottle down. "You don't have to be such an asshole all the time, you know!" She whirled around to face Professor Snape and accidently knocked the bottle to the ground, shattering it into a million pieces.  
  
The room started filling with pink smoke and Snape looked aghast. "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU JUST DID!?!?!" he shouted at Hermione, who was looking very sheepish. "That is essence of Love Potion Number 9. If we don't get out of here this instant, we'll both start acting like blithering idiots."  
  
With that Professor Snape ran to the door and pulled desperately at the handle. He turned and faced Hermione. He looked to be quite afraid. "It's stuck! We're trapped!" 


	13. Pass the Courvoisier

Back at the other end of the school, Cho, Ron, and Professor Trelawney were being charged by Fluffy, the enormous three-headed dog.  
  
"I can't believe I'm going to die in such a gruesome manner," Cho pouted.  
  
"You mean the fact that you're going to be an after dinner snack for a drooling, three-headed dog?" asked Ron.  
  
"No," sighed Cho, "I'm sickened that you were the last person I made out with before I met my untimely end."  
  
Suddenly, Trelawney started singing. Err, more like rapping! _"So I gotta be down with the 'hood team. Too much television watching, got me chasing dreams"  
_  
Just like that, Fluffy stopped dead in his tracks and fell asleep.  
  
Ron looked at Trelawney, who was still rapping in quite a drunken manner. "Oh yeah!" he said. "We had to cross Fluffy way back in my first year. If he hears music, he'll fall right asleep."  
  
SLAP! Cho Chang hit him right across the face. "You really are a dumbass!"  
  
Suddenly, Harry Potter and Professor McGongall stepped out from behind the enormous dog.  
  
"The killer got Trelawney!" exclaimed McGonagall.  
  
"Snape must be hiding somewhere around here," said Harry.  
  
Cho rolled her eyes. "You two must be as daft as Ron. Trelawney's not dead. She was just drunk on sherry."  
  
"That shadow we saw must have been Trelawney in a drunk stupor!" said Harry. "Snape must have put her up to this to throw us off the trail..."  
  
Everyone ignored Harry's last comment. "So," said McGonagall, "the entire time, we were following a trail of sherry, not blood?"  
  
"And you're a TEACHER at this school?" Cho scoffed.  
  
"Well," said McGonagall hotly, "I for one am quite happy I don't have the extensive knowledge of liquor that you seem to, Miss Chang."  
  
"Well," said Cho. "You didn't need to send that giant dog after us. Even if the killer had been here, you would never be able to tell who it was after that monstrosity got done with him."  
  
"For the millionth time, we already know who it is. It was Professor Snape!" exclaimed Harry. Even Ron looked at Harry unbelievingly. "Okay," said Harry, "maybe sending Fluffy after the killer wasn't such a brilliant idea."  
  
McGonagall started to speak, "Well, we've looked as hard as we could and there were no clues to be found. Besides, the halls are getting more and more unsafe. I, for one, do not want to be around when that beast wakes up," she said motioning at Fluffy. "I think we ought to go back to Dumbledore's office and wait for the others."  
  
"Here here!" shouted Trelawney. "That's the best idea you've had all day! To celebrate this moment, let's have some sherry, shall we?"  
  
On their way back to Dumbledore's office, the group met up with Ginny Weasley and Draco Malfoy.  
  
"Professor McGonagall! Am I ever relieved to see you!" exclaimed Ginny as she began to tell her about Fudge and the Ministry officials as well as Dumbledore's disappearance. "He initially went back into his office," she said, "but as we were talking to Cornelius Fudge, I saw him sneak out and run down the hall."  
  
"Goodness!" exclaimed McGonagall. "We must go find him!"  
  
"Aww snap!" shouted Trelawney. "This biotch needes some booze, old school!"  
  
McGonagall raised her eyebrows.  
  
"This lady know what she's talking about!" exclaimed Draco.  
  
"Fo' shizzle!" said Trelawney. "Pass the damn Courvoisier."  
  
"Maybe you had better go back to Dumbledore's office, Draco," said McGonagall. "And Professor Trelawney as well. Ron, would you go with them? I'd like you to roll them on their sides once they pass out so they don't choke on their own vomit."  
  
Ron didn't look too pleased, but he oblidged.  
  
"Oh, and Ron," said McGonagall. "Take, err, Percy with you."


	14. Ring Ring! Banana Phone!

Ron hoisted Percy onto his back and set off towards Dumbledore's office. Professor Trelawney and Draco followed a ways behind, stopping frequently to take sips out of Professor Trelawney's "special pouch."  
  
"Ugh! Why do I always get the bad jobs?" Ron shouted out loud.  
  
After a while, they got into Dumbledore's office. They sat down on chairs and didn't say anything for awhile.  
  
"Sooo, what do we do now?" asked Draco. Ron shrugged, but Trelawney stood up. "Let's play truth or dare!"  
  
"Umm, okay," said Ron.  
  
Trelawney turned to Ron, "Truth or DARE?" she asks.   
  
"Umm, truth..." he sputtered out.   
  
"I truth you to get me a bottle of sherry," she said.   
  
"TRELAWNEY" exclaimed Ron.   
  
"Allright, allright, who do you like better, Cho Chang or Hermione Granger?"   
  
Ron sputtered, "Is that even a QUESTION? Cho Chang of course."   
  
Draco turned to him, "Well, it seemed to me like things were setting up for a relationship between you and Hermione."   
  
He shook his head, "What have YOU been reading? I'm a guy, and therefore a pig, and I obviously want the hottest bitch money can buy, and that's why I like Cho. Sure, in 10 years she'll be fat and unattractive just like everyone else, but by then I'll have a girlfriend on the side so it all works out."

* * *

Meanwhile, Hermione and Professor Snape were curled up in the basement as the pink vapors started taking their effects.  
  
"Who's my little Schmookiddy?" said Professor Snape in a sickeningly sweet voice as he started butterfly kissing Hermione.  
  
"Aww, my dear Stinky Pants!" Hermione exclaimed, throwing her arms around him. "Here," she said pulling a banana from her robe. "I took these at dinner, we can each have one, you little sweety!"  
  
Hermione went to open her banana, but Snape quickly grabbed her hand. "No, my dearest. Let's not eat them just yet. I have a plan." He picked up his banana and ran to the other side of the room.  
  
"Ring ring! Banana phone!" he said placing the banana to his ear like a telephone. "I would like to speak to the most beautiful girl in the world please!"  
  
"Oh schnookums! You are too sweet!" exclaimed Hermione, placing her own banana to her ear.  
  
Yes, this went on for hours until they had nothing more to talk about.  
  
"You hang up, my little Sugar Booger!" said Hermioine.  
  
"No, you hang up first, Sweet Cheeks!" said Snape.  
  
"I love you Snape-wapey!" said Hermione. "You hang up first though."  
  
"I love you too, Hermoine-whiney," said Snape. "But you must hang up first."  
  
"No, you hang up first."  
  
"No, you hang up first."  
  
You can about imagine how this went on -- FOR THE NEXT TWO HOURS! It's a BANANA people, you can't even hang it up! Finally, when it looked like Snape and Hermione would be on the banana phone forever, a man burst into the room.  
  
"I'll hang up first!" he said, grabbing both the bananas away from their lovesick owners. It was none other than Dumbledore. 


	15. We’re Practicing CPR, Yes, That’s It!

Hermione and Snape both looked at each other shocked.  
  
"My banana! How rude!" said Hermione. "I wasn't finished with my conversation."  
  
"You were talking into a BANANA," said Dumbledore, but it didn't seem to make it any less traumatizing for the couple.  
  
"There there, Dearest," said Snape as he closed his arms around her and started stroking her back in efforts to console her. Then he turned to Dumbledore and bared his teeth menacingly "Hssss!"  
  
"Umm, did you just hiss at me, Severus?" asked Dumbledore. "And what are you doing to Miss Granger. Where I come from in Tennessee, that's known as Statutory Rape. And here you are, making out with her like it's as appropriate as having sex with your cousin. Severus, Hermione, are you even listening?"  
  
But they weren't listening at all. They started rolling on the floor, groping each other as if they were as drunk as Draco and Trelawney, who surprisingly, were also making out at that exact moment.  
  
Just then, the door opened a second time. Professor McGonagall walked in.  
  
"Albus!" she exclaimed rushing towards him. "I was so worried! The kids and I went looking for you as soon as you rushed off."  
  
"Kids?" said Dumbledore, who was looking a trifle confused. "I don't see any kids here."  
  
"Well, they found Filch's cat on the way and they stopped to throw dungbombs at it. Poor Mrs. Norris. I was so concerned though, that I kept right on going to find you..." Professor McGonagall's voice cut off. "What in the world are they doing!" she exclaimed, just now taking notice of Hermione and Snape.  
  
"Oh yes! Kiss me, Professor! Kiss me again!" shouted Hermione. "Ohhhhh."  
  
Professor Dumbledore looked around and saw the shattered bottle on the floor. "Well Minerva, it looks like some evaporated Love Potion Number 9 escaped."  
  
"Oh dear!" cried out McGonagall. "Is there any trace of it left in here?"  
  
"No, I'm afraid those two inhaled all of it, as you can see by their manic rolling around and the like," explained Dumbledore.  
  
"Oh," said McGonagall looking rather depressed. Then a mischievous grin spread across her face. "But Albus, nobody has to know that there would be nothing influencing our actions."  
  
Professor Dumbledore picked up McGonagall and they started snogging right along with Snape and Hermione.

* * *

"It's always fun slinging dungbombs at Mrs. Norris," said Harry as he walked with Ginny and Cho down to the storeroom.  
  
"Yuck! You are so juvenile!" exclaimed Cho. "Thanks to you, I smell like dungbombs."  
  
"Oh lighten up!" said Ginny as she hurled a leftover dungbomb at Cho.  
  
Cho looked disgusted, but it was Harry who threw up.  
  
"Harry! What's wrong, are you feeling sick?" asked Ginny.  
  
Harry clutched his stomach and motioned inside the door they were now standing at. Ginny and Cho peered inside.  
  
"Dear Lord!" exclaimed Ginny. "That is the most disgusting thing I've ever....." Ginny stopped abruptly, leaned over and threw up.  
  
They had just come to the storeroom and were witnessing not only Hermione and Snape rolling around making out, but Dumbledore and McGonagall as well.  
  
"Yuck!" exclaimed Cho. "I think I might just become a born-again virgin after seeing this disgusting display."  
  
Dumbledore moved off of McGonagall, turned, and looked up. "This isn't what it looks like, kids! We're practicing CPR, yes, that's it."  
  
McGonagall elbowed Dumbledore in the ribs, "It was the Love Potion, remember? No one buys the CPR bit anymore. You may as well told them we were rehearsing for a play! Geez! We had the perfect cover and you blew it!" she hissed.  
  
"... Oh Professor Snape!! Oh yes!! YES!!," said Hermione, interrupting the silence.  
  
Harry just stood there, gaping at the sight.  
  
"Don't worry Harry," said Dumbledore, "They're under the effects of Love Potion Number 9. They won't get any further than first or second base. Now, if it was Love Potion Number 10..."  
  
"Oh can it, Albus!" shouted McGonagall, who was now acting very ornery. "We need to get everyone back up to your office. Young Mister Malfoy and Weasley are up there along with Sybil."  
  
"You left two children alone with Sybil?!?!" Dumbledore said in disbelief. "Good gracious! Five minutes alone in a room with her and they'll need Alcoholics Anonymous for the liquor fumes alone! To my office, everybody!" 


	16. I Am The Great Cornholio!

"Oooh! We have guests!" exclaimed Professor Trelawney as the door to Dumbledore's office swung open.  
  
She was standing on top of Dumbledore's desk with her skirt tied around her head and her long bloomers exposed underneath. On the floor to her right, Draco Malfoy was in a French maid's outfit dusting Ron Weasley with a long, ornate feather duster. Ron appeared to be passed out on the floor.  
  
"Umm, Sybil, would you mind putting your dress back down and getting off my dress please?" said Dumbledore.  
  
"Okay," she said, "but you'll have to catch me first! Hoo hoo hoo hooo!!!!" she screamed as she ran in circles around the room. Dumbledore stood stationary watching as she ran in small circles. After a few laps, a very dizzy and disoriented Trelawney made her way to Dumbledore.  
  
She got right in his face and held tightly to her skirt, which looked like a hood around her face. "I am the Great Cornhoulio and I need TP for my bunghole!" She started to run around again and BANG!  
  
Everyone turned towards Cho Chang, who was once again standing with a smoking gun. "Like I said before, tacky."  
  
"That's still no excuse for shooting people, Miss Chang," said Professor Snape who had regained his conciousness. "Twenty points from Ravenclaw!"   
  
"Twenty points just for shooting someone?" sighed Cho. "My only regret is that I didn't make it a kill shot."  
  
Unlike the telegram woman, Professor Trelawney was still very much alive, though the trauma from the gunshot knocked her out cold.  
  
"Err, anyway, down to business," said Dumbledore. "The entire time we spent looking for clues was pretty much a waste. All we've managed to do is piss off the Ministry of Magic, kill an innocent woman, release a giant creature into the halls of the school, get an underage child drunk off rum, make a respectable man guilty of Statutory Rape, and shoot a loony, but innocent Divinations teacher."  
  
"Here here!" said Draco raising his feather duster. "Sounds like a load of accomplishments to me!" he shouted, then lowered his voice, "I was the drunk, you know."  
  
"As I was saying," continued Dumbledore, "we're no better off than we were before. I suppose all we can do is reveal who the killer is now."

* * *

_Allright, I'm just about to reveal the killer. I'll bet you're peeing your pants with anticipation right now, aren't you?_


	17. The End, Or is it?

"Just wait a minute, Dumbly old chap!" said Draco, whose disposition suddenly changed. He was now aristocratically holding a brandy snifter and looked rather pompous. "You said it yourself, we are no better off than we were before, so how is it we suddenly know who the killer is?"  
  
"Yeah!" demanded Ginny, "and like I said before, why didn't we just give everyone Veritaserum and just ask them if they killed Percy."  
  
"There's a very simple explanation for this all," said Dumbledore. "The plain truth of the matter is yes, we could have probably went about solving the mystery a lot easier, but then we there wouldn't have been any story and our tale would have been rated very low by all those teenagers on their summer vacations who are reading this on FanFiction.net. We're revealing the killer now instead of waiting until we get more actual evidence because it was just getting too damned long, so if you would stop asking such nosy questions, we could reveal the killer once and for all."  
  
"Oh, well, that settles it for me then," said Ginny. "So who was the one who killed Percy?"  
  
Everyone immediately looked pleadingly towards Dumbledore. "Someone in this room knows," he said. "Why don't you ask him?" Everyone scanned one another's faces, searching for the one who could reveal the killer, when finally, Professor Snape stepped forward.  
  
"I know who killed Percy," he said hesitantly. "And she's in this room with us as I speak."  
  
Gasps filled Dumbledore's office. Even Ron woke up from his faint in time to gasp with suprise. Nobody dared speak a word except for Draco Malfoy, whose drunkenness returned. "Boo! Get the bloody show on the road! We want to know who killed Percy, not some long drawn out story!"  
  
"Well, it wasn't all that hard to figure out!" Professor Snape shouted. "The killer is none other than Cho Chang!"  
  
Ron rolled his eyes and passed out again. "I'm not surprised," said Hermione. "Cho is a little whore. Besides, she's been shooting people all night with no remorse."  
  
"Oh, the story gets better Hermione!" said Cho, who Dumbledore had chained to a chair as soon as Snape had said her name. "Guess who was in the video with me? Take one wild guess. It was Professor Snape. Yes, your dear Professor. I saw how desperately you flung yourself at him, and I was the one who got him."  
  
Hermione glanced at Snape, looking very hurt. "Is this true?" she asked him.  
  
"I cannot deny that I was indeed in that video with Miss Chang," said Snape. "But she is not telling you the whole story. Once Percy first threatened to blackmail her, she immediately came running to me. Our involvement with one another had ended a long time beforehand. In any event, she demanded that I use my power as a professor at this school to get the video back."  
  
Hermione sat, unmoving. "Please go on, Professor Snape," said Dumbledore.  
  
"I told her that I could not jeopardize my position in this school simply to save her dignity. Since Percy Weasley hadn't come to me and blackmailed me as well, I assumed it was merely a desperate plea to win Cho's affections. I had no doubt that the tape would never be revealed. However, Cho flew into a rage, and said that if I didn't do something about it, she would."  
  
"It's all true," said Cho. "I've always had a fetish for being on film while I was, err, in the act. My aunt is married to a muggle. From the day he gave me his old video camera, I was hooked on it. Every time I was with anyone I secretly video taped it all. When Percy said he had me on tape with someone and how damaging the effects would be for both of us if it were revealed, I knew it was when I was with Professor Snape. I pleaded with him not to release the tape, but he would not listen to reason. So I had no choice but to kill him. Besides, he was tacky, and you all know the effect tackiness has on me."  
  
Hermione's face turned a greenish color as Cho Chang said this. But Ron, who had just woken up from the last time he passed out, stood up and spoke. "Well, Cho. I think every one of us is dying to know the answer to the same questions. First, how many people have you been with and can I buy the tapes?"  
  
"MR. WEASLEY!" McGonagall, Snape, and Dumbledore all shot at once.  
  
"Okay, okay, can't blame me for trying, right?" said Ron.  
  
"Cho," said Dumbledore, "I'm afraid I'll have to turn you into the Ministry of Magic, who will more than likely sentence you to life in Azkaban. Those two gentlemen are just outside the door at this moment. Hold on to your seat." With that, he levitated Cho's chair towards the door and both of them walked out.  
  
"I'll get off!" Cho shouted. "Azkaban can't handle this hotness!"  
  
As soon as Dumbledore and Cho left the office, Draco addressed the rest of the group. "Hey, looky what I found on dead old Weasley," he said holding a video cassette. "I saw it while I was moving him around in front of Cornelius Fudge and I swiped it. Now, I'm pretty sure I can guess what is on this tape, anyone else care to take a look?"  
  
Ron and Harry hooted in approval, while Hermione and Snape both shouted, "No!"  
  
"I... I don't think I could bare to see it," said Hermione.  
  
"I don't think I could bare having Miss Granger see it," said Snape in a tone that almost sounded considerate, but that didn't last. "She's has enough of an unhealthy fascination with me as it is," he added coolly.  
  
"Professor Snape!" exclaimed Hermione desperately. "After all we've been through together! You couldn't possibly see me as being so weak to have some sort of obsessive schoolgirl crush! This is much deeper than that! Actually, we have more in common than you would think," she added sheepishly.  
  
In the time Hermione and Snape took to have their little conversation, Draco, Harry, and Ron had already conjured up a VCR and began playing the tape.  
  
"Damn Cho is a hottie!" exclaimed Ron.  
  
"Shut up a minute, Ron! We haven't even seen Snape in all his manhood yet," said McGonagall forgetting her place. "Errr, I mean... porn is bad. If you watch porn, your eyes will get chlamydia and you will die!"  
  
"Wait," said Harry. "That's not Professor Snape, that's a girl."  
  
"That's not a girl," said Draco. "That's Granger!"  
  
Everyone turned around to face Hermione, their faces frozen in shock and none more so than Professor Snape. "I thought you weren't a lesbian! That's what you told all of us." said Ron.  
  
Hermione turned to him. "I'm not a lesbian, I'm bi. There is a difference. Now if you miserable homophobes would shut up, I'd like to see my close up."

* * *

**The End**

_Or is it? Come on! You couldn't expect a crappy knock off of Clue to only have one possible ending, now could you??? Now sit down, you've got two more endings to go! _


	18. The REAL Ending, Or is it?

_Rewind a little here. Everyone's in Dumbledore's office and the killer is about to be revealed._  
  
"So, are we going to reveal the killer already?" said Ron impatiently. "Time is money, chop chop!"  
  
"I TOLD you! It's Snape! Why doesn't anyone believe me? I saved yer asses from Voldy how many times? And you still don't believe me. Such little respect for celebrity status. I'd be better off being a former cast member of Beverly Hills 90210, or possibly Corey Feldman. At least VH1 seems to care about their opinions."  
  
Draco stood up. "Potter, I'll say this once and for all. SHUT THE HELL UP!"  
  
Everyone in the room stood up and gave Draco a rigorous applause.  
  
"Thank you," he said. "Now, if you allow me, I will also reveal the killer."  
  
"I'm not sure if any of you noticed this or not, but Trelawney did not break the bottle of Veritaserum. It was knocked from her hands. The same person who knocked it out of her hand is also the killer. I figured it out slightly afterwards and I would have said something, but I was poisoned. I have only just now regained my sanity."  
  
"What chu talkin' bout, Draco?" said Trelawney, who was now lying in a real pool of her sweet, sweet blood.  
  
"Elementary, my dear Sybil. Dumbledore killed Percy Weasley. He knocked the bottle from your hand, then he was so adamant about allowing the people who did not have the Veritaserum to testify on their honor. Well, thanks to that mudblood Granger, Trelawney and everyone following her still received the effects of the Veritaserum by snogging me. Everybody except Dumbledore. He diverted your attention by slipping me that bottle containing something to help my with my overdose of Veritaserum, which was actually a weak poison. He must have known I had figured out what he was up to and decided to slip me the poison to shut me up. None of you even bothered to notice that he had not taken any of the Veritaserum."  
  
"How am I the smartest girl in my year again?" said Hermione. "I missed everything! I'm as dumb as Ron!"  
  
"Hey, that was an insult!" exclaimed Ron.  
  
"Miss Granger, though you may have looked over a few details, do not place yourself on the same low level as Mr. Weasley," said Professor Snape.  
  
She looked up at him adoringly.  
  
"Hate to break up this delicously saccharin moment, but I haven't finished yet," said Draco. "Anyway, I thought it was rather dodgy that Dumbledore didn't call the Ministry right after the murder was comitted. He must have had something to hide. He sealed the deal when he ran from Fudge in the hall. So ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, Albus Dumbledore, the killer."  
  
"Oh Albus!" exclaimed McGonagall, who rushed over to him and began crying on his shoulders. "Say it isn't so, Alby, say it isn't so!"  
  
"I'm afraid it is so, Minerva," said Dumbledore.  
  
"What the bloody hell?" exclaimed Ron. "There's no bloody way in bloody hell this bloody well happened.... hell."  
  
"Once you get past all the profanities, Ron has a point," added Hermione. "Professor Dumbledore is the most powerful and respected wizard. Even if he killed one bastard we all hated, it doesn't take away the fact that he's continually saved us against V... vvoldemort. If Dumbledore goes to Azkaban, the Dark Lord will undoubtedly rise again."  
  
"I believe it's common fanfic protocol to never acknowledge the Dark Lord's existence," said Professor Snape.  
  
"Oooh!" added Trelawney, who was still bleeding. "Did any of you realize that my prediction was right? You heard me! I said it during my interrogation. I'm right. Huzzah! And just when I was starting to believe I was an old fraud. Hot dog! Who's got the inner eye? I've got the inner eye! Chicka-ching!"  
  
"Right," said McGonagall who shot Trelawney a contemptuous glance and turned back to Dumbledore. "They're right, Hogwarts needs you. I.... I need.... I need a muffin!" she exclaimed.  
  
Ginny turned to Dumbledore. "I was Percy's only sister, and even I think he was a jackass. Let's just pretend this whole thing never happened. We all still love ya, Dumbles! Group hug!"  
  
Everyone moved in around Dumbledore and gave him a big hug. "But Professor Dumbledore," said Hermione after they all had finished hugging, "what really possessed you to kill Percy anyway?"  
  
"Ho ho! Well, to tell the truth, Hermione, I just hate kids, kids and teachers. I killed him, I could do it to you. I'll kill all of ya!" he shouted furiously.  
  
"Oh Dumbledore! You're sure a silly goose!" said Hermione.  
  
Everyone started laughing as they linked arms and walked out of Dumbledore's office.  
  
"No really," said Harry, "why did you kill Percy?"  
  
"I told you, I hate kids. I'd sleep with one eye open tonight, Potter." said Dumbledore as serious as can be.  
  
"Haha, you've still got it Dumbledore!" said Harry as he disappeared into the Gryffindor common room. 

* * *

**The End**

_Meh, I'm not sure if I liked this one. I thought I should make Dumbledore into a homicidal freak, but meh. A rather weak ending. And so just like when a kid gets an F on a paper, I clevely hid it in the middle, where no one will remember it. Mwah ha ha, my diobolical scheme just keeps getting better and better. Anyway, really, the next ending is the last. And pretty please give me feedback when you're done reading it. Thanks!_


	19. The Final Finale

_Once again, rewind back to the point where everyone's in Dumbledore's office and the killer is about to be revealed._  
  
"Well, I suppose I should reveal the killer then, shouldn't I?" said Dumbledore. Everyone looked at him intently, anxiously awaiting the news. "But, I think it would be more fun if we all wrote down who we think killed Percy first. Then we can go around and share why we think the person we selected did it. It will be fun, kind of like Survivor, except whoever loses doesn't get to leave the island, but gets to go to Azkaban."  
  
"WHAT!?!?!" exclaimed Hermione. "How is THAT a fair way to do it? What a cockamamie idea! You're just asking for people to vote off people they don't like for no reason! We're putting the very future of our lives into the hands of a popularity contest!"  
  
"Ah ah!" tutted Draco, "the capable hand of a popularity contest. What? Are you afraid you're going to lose, mudblood? Chicken! Bwak! Bwak!" he said flapping his arms like a chicken.  
  
"If you had merely called me 'chicken,' I would have continued to object. But those were some pretty powerful 'bwaks.' And oh! That arm flapping! The ultimate peer-pressure. I would just look like an idiot now if I continued to fight after someone impersonated a chicken." and with that, Hermione sat down and started scribbling a name onto the card that was now in front of her.  
  
"Okay," said Dumbledore. "Is everyone ready to reveal their cards? Good! Good! We'll start with Ron Weasley."  
  
"Hermione," he said.  
  
"Okay, Miss Chang?"  
  
"Hermione."  
  
"Professor Snape?"  
  
"Hermione."  
  
And it continued on, everybody voting off Hermione, except when it came to Hermione's turn."  
  
"Miss Granger?"  
  
"Professor Trelawney," she answered.  
  
"Well, with a vote of 8 to 1, it looks like Hermione will be the one carted off to Azkaban. But before we send her, let's ostracize her just a little more to make sure she feels as miserable as possible. It is the reality show way, you know. Let's go around and talk about why we all hated Hermione enough to unanimously vote her off."  
  
"Nooo!!!" shouted Hermione. "I can't go to Azkaban! I didn't kill anybody!" With that, she took off towards the door and hurled it open.  
  
"Going somewhere?" said a voice as she opened the door. Bob, Lou, and Cornelius Fudge from the Ministry of Magic were standing right outside the door and so was Percy Weasley!  
  
"Wait a minute..." said Hermione. "Why, this is all an elaborate farce!"  
  
"Hoho!! You have figured it out! Jolly good show!" said Dumbledore as he walked over to Hermione.  
  
He was followed by Professor McGonagall. "Every year, we try to put on a little show for all the kids that have to stay back during the Holidays," she said. "Sorry we made you believe we were sending you off to Azkaban. We decided we would all nominate the student we thought was clever enough to figure out the mystery. And since you are the smartest, most mature girl in your year, everyone thought that person should be you."  
  
"So everyone was in on it?" said Hermione.  
  
"Well," said Percy stepping forward, "all the Professors, Cho, and myself were at least. Since we are upperclassmen, the administration lets us in on the action."  
  
Hermione turned to Harry, Ron, Draco, and Ginny, who were all frozen still with shock. "You mean to tell me, that you all voted to send me to Azkaban on your own free will?"  
  
"Haha, it's err... like you said, Hermione," Harry sputtered out, "peer pressure. It was so peer pressure."  
  
Hermione looked rather unconvinced.  
  
"Well, that was a fun game this year!" said Dumbledore. "Who wants to go down to the Great Hall and have some hot pumpkin juice?"

Everyone followed him down.  
  
"Say Cho, umm, all that making out and stuff was just show, wasn't it?" said Ron.  
  
"Of course!" said Cho. She looked rather offended, as though she would never touch Ron under her own free will. "They paid me 10 galleons to do it. Actually, I am really dating your brother, Percy. He's such a dear!"  
  
"Aren't you happy to have me back, little brother?" said Percy, patting Ron on the top of his head.  
  
Ron shot him a cutting glance that would have made Hermione Granger proud.

* * *

**The End**

_Allright! You are finally done with my insane fanfic. As far as what ending is the real ending, it's up to you. Pick whichever suits your fancy. And also, please do review me. Especially if you're going to say something nice. You made it all the way to the 19th chapter, so I'm hoping if you devoted all this time to reading it, you would say something nice. Well, thanks for reading my crappy fanfic! I hope you liked it!_


	20. Bonus! Reviews, answered!

_****_

_**IMPORTANT UPDATE, PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING REVIEWS**_

I just started a new fic and read over the TOS. Apparantly, these interactive reviews are against the rules. So I am NO LONGER GOING TO BE ANSWERING ANY REVIEWS ON HERE. The ones that I already have done will stay, but do not expect me to post any new ones. It's sad for me too. I rather liked this part, but meh. I'm not going to get my story deleted because of it. Thank you for reading this, now onto the reviews that were posted before I became aware of the rules.

* * *

_As my way of thanking everyone who reviewed my story, I've decided to add a section where Ron, Trelawney, and the rest respond to your reviews -- IN CHARACTER. This is all simply because I want to give something back to the people who took the time to read my fanfic, not at all because I'm bored out of my mind and I have nothing better to do with my time, nope, haha, not at all. Insert nervous laughter and shifty eyes here. In any event, here it goes!_

__

Harry, Ron, Ginny, Hermione, Cho, Draco, Percy, Snape, McGonagall, Trelawney, and Dumbledore were all assembled in Dumbledore's office again.

"Why did you pull us out of class, Professor Dumbledore?" asked Hermione, who looked rather sulky about missing learning about muggle expressions in today's Muggle Studies class. "Today the class actually got to watch paint dry."

"Well, Miss Granger," said Dumbledore, "we are all assembled in here because ever since the night Percy got murdered, we've been reciving a lot of owls. I feel it is our civic duty to respond to each and every one of them."

"I'd rather be watching the paint dry!" said Draco. "That's incredibly dull, but certainly better than this crap!"

"SILENCE!" shouted Dumbledore. "We're answering these damned owls and I don't care if it takes us all night. Anyway, who would like to begin?"

* * *

**VoldemortsVeela:   
lolololololololol. omg this is fricken hilarious. Though it is rather odd. and i kept getting confused. but nothing much gets me confused so a million-ba-jillion bottles of fire-whisky for you! Maybe you'll stay drunk long enough to write another ridiculous, but hilarious story! LoLolOlOlOloo   
psh rambling on just for the sake of having something to do. okay i think i'm done now. tra la la la la la laa. well, must be off!**

Hermione: Thanks for your letter. And if you want to know the truth, I was confused the entire time myself. It's not you, Lammy's just a psycho. She will eventually get to writing another story. But in the meantime if you REALLY want to help, you can send either cash or booze to Lammy. Send all donations to this address:

> Lammy's Cash and Booze Fund   
123 Fake Street  
Nowhere, Not-A-State 6969

****

* * *

**K.P wrote:   
Gah! I love it! You did a great job, and I just love dear old Dumbles in this! A BILLION points to you, LxAxMxMxY! Draco's still a stone cold fox- gotta love him! Hermione and Snape...ermm.. kinda creepy, but hell, I'll go with the flow. I thought it was adorable how Harry blamed Snape for everything. I'm going to buy a Sherry just for Trelawny, and Ginny...can have an apple. Sure. You made Cho a slut, and thats always cool. You cant have a good fanfic without a slut. Cute how Ron had the hots for her.  
  
And just so I can squeeze McGonnagal in here, I'll ask her a mildly queer question:  
  
Do you know...the muffin man?  
  
Alrighty, thx for the great read!  
  
K.P, out.**

Snape: Are you saying you think there's something going on between and Miss Granger?

Hermione: Don't deny our love, Sevvy. It's all out in the open now.

Snape: _Looks at Hermione disgusted_. There is NOTIHNG between us.

Trelawney: Oh how I love weddings! Let's have some sherry in celebration!

Dumbledore: Hoho! I rather like this letter! A kazillion points to K.P. _Looks at Professor McGonagall._ Yes, Minerva, I KNOW this isn't Who's Line is it Anyway!

McGonagall: I wasn't going to say anything, Albus. Anyway, now to answer your question. I'm married to the muffin man.

Hermione: The muffin man?

McGonagall: The muffin man.

Dumbledore: _Looking shocked. _You're MARRIED to the muffin man?

Ron: Who lives on Drury Lane?

Draco: Boo! This is possibly the worst Shrek rip off I've ever seen in my life. K.P's obviously someone who has impecable taste and probably doesn't want to hear that crap from you.

* * *

**GeorgieGryffindor wrote:   
Fantastic story. By far the best Comedy Harry Potter Fanfic i have ever read and i have read heaps, im sort of addicted, but yours would have to be the best. Can you write a similar?**

Ron: Thanks for your letter, GeorgieGryffindor! Lammy will get to writing another story sometime in the near future, but first she needs to find another movie to completely rip off. I don't really know a lot about addiction, but maybe you can get some help from our resident drunks to help you with yours...

Draco: Try the rum.

Trelawney: No, try the sherry.

Draco: Rum is better. I go on first and clean the hair!

Trelawney: Sherry is better. I leave the hair silky and smooth!

Draco: Oh, really, fool?

Trelawney: Really!

_Draco and Trelawney start fighting with broken bottles of rum and sherry. Trelawney stops abruptly. She turns to Professor Snape._

Trelawney: Stop looking at me, swan!

* * *

McGonagall: Looks like we have two owls from Riddleness. We can answer them one at a time.

**Riddleness wrote:   
interesting, but everyone is ooc, although some explanation is provided for percy, it's very far fetched...and when they were under the veritaserum, couldn't someone have just said 'did you kill percy'?  
  
(i would have read the next chapters but fanfiction says it's having heavy traffic, so i decided to review)**

Ginny: Yes! Someone finally gets what I mean about the Veritaserum!

Harry: Haha, I guess we really were ooc. If this had been more realistic, all the girlies would have been all over me.

Hermione: Oh shut up Harry. You were more out of character than anyone! You sounded more like an uptarded version of Gilderoy Lockhart than Harry Potter.

McGonagall: Gaping plot holes aside, I hope you enjoyed the story. Anyway, let's answer the next letter now, shall we?

**Riddleness also wrote:   
LOL i love ch 20...  
ok, snape, should i date draco? i mean, will his weird fascination with rum end?  
  
o btw draco your so hot...drools**

Snape: Draco Malfoy? I should have known. Humph! Fangirls...

Dumbledore: What are you so grumpy about? It's not like you don't have a million fangirls of your own. Even Lammy, the author of this martini-induced story we're in, is rumored to fancy you. But are there any Dumbledore fangirls? No! Think how I must feel. Just Google search yourself if you don't believe me.

_Snape walks_ _over to an enchanted computer in Dumbledore's office and Google searches himself._

Snape: I suppose I do have quite the following.

Draco: Ugh! Snape isn't answering your question at all, Riddleness.

_Draco's voice suddenly becomes very low. He sounds like Barry White!_

Draco: Anyway, Riddlness, baby. Maybe someday I can take some Floo Powder and end up down your chimney...

Hermione: You're such a pervert, Draco! Shut the hell up!

Draco: Get your mind out of the gutter, Granger! I was simply stating the fact that if I used Floo Powder to get to Riddleness's house, I'd be in the fireplace. Sheesh!

* * *

**ThisWouldBeMe wrote:   
in the infamous words of the guiness commercials "BRILLIANT" Oh... and I also have a question... Cho would you mind killing a kid for me... he has a square head and it's VERY TACKY! Also ron percy and ginny, could you hook me up with your brother's fred and george... they are some SEXY BEASTS! growls  
  
THIS WOULD BE ME  
Check out my stories "Harry Potter, The True Story, Book 1"   
and   
"Gone Away"**

Cho: A square head? Dear God! I should be made a saint for killing off something that tacky! I'll get right on it.

Ron: Hmm, if you want to get hooked up with Fred and George, I'd suggest serenading them. They've always liked the song, "Jenny from the Block." Or hated it, one of the two. Oh, and as soon as she gets done updating this crappy thing, Lammy'll check out your stories and review them for you.

* * *

**irgova wrote:   
OMG this was so funny! (Cho was funny).**

Ginny: I'm glad you think it's funny. Cho would have answered this herself, except she's making out with my brother right now. If you think she's funny, you should see her while she's making out. It looks like she's eating Ron's face. Haha, she certainly won't be winning the "Best Kiss" award at this year's MTV Movie Awards.

* * *

**fano,fanfiction. wrote:   
hilarious !i couldnt stop chuckling , so hope you were,nt trying to be serious. i liked the Cho ending . thanks .**

Cho: Thank you! And I rather like the Cho ending myself.

Percy: And to see all the scenes you may have missed, including the famous Cho Chang/Severus Snape video, send an Owl with 25 Galleons to Percy's Perverted Penny Arcade...

SLAP!

* * *

**LxAxMxMxY wrote:   
I have a question for Dumbledore. How many licks DOES it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?**

Hermione: Wait a minute! This isn't a real letter at all! It's from that crappy author who completely besmirched my character! Let's not answer it.

Dumbledore: Well, Hermione. If she was not only bored enough to besmirch your character, but to also bother sending an owl, I say we answer it. Well, let me see. _Reaches for a Tootsie Pop and starts licking it. _One... two... three... four...

_20 minutes later:_

_Everyone in the room is falling asleep except for Dumbledore._

Dumbledore: Five Hundred Seventy Eight... Five Hundred Seventy Nine...

Draco: I'm hungry! Yoink! _Grabs the Tootsie Roll out of Dumbledore's hand and bites down. Everyone looks at him aghast._

Dumbledore: I guess the world will never know.

* * *

**I'm not the weakest link wrote:   
This is good**

Draco: I'll take this one. Well thank you, and you know what else is good? The rum. I suggest you go get some.

Dumbledore: Hey, looks like I'm not the weakest link sent a follow-up owl!

**I'm not the weakest link also wrote: **

**::tastes rum::  
  
Me:Eurgghh!  
  
::Spits it out on Snape::  
  
Thanks for the reply**

Snape: Yuck! I am covered with rum!

Draco and Trelawney: _Lick their lips and stare wide-eyed at Snape_

Snape: What the deuce are you two looking at?

Draco and Trelawney: _Pounce on Snape and start licking him._

Snape: Kill me now.

* * *

**Alendar wrote:   
lmao i'm loving this can't wait for the final ending!!**

McGonagall: The _REAL _final ending? Nobody knows. It's one of the world's great mysteries. Like who really built the pyramids, or what's been keeping Dick Clark alive all these years.

**Alendar also wrote:   
how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?**

Draco: Haha, haha, you said "wood."

_Everybody starts laughing_

Harry: Haha, haha, you said "chuck."

_Crickets Chirping_

Harry: Come on you guys! "Chuck!" It's funny. Tee hee!

_Silence_

Draco: Was it "chuck" or Potter sucks?

_More laughter._

Trelawney: He burned ya Potter! Burned ya OLD SCHOOL!

Harry: Was it old school, or is Malfoy an old fool? Haha, ha ha!!!!!!

_More silence_

Harry: I'll shut up now

Snape: Please do, Mr. Potter

* * *

**Cub wrote:   
Wow. A shameless ripoff of one of the greatest movies of the past few decades held together with a terrible plot. This is the equivalent of a bad 60s sci-fi b-movie. And I LOVE bad 60s sci-fi b-movies. Not something I'd want to read if I wanted conventional, complex, well written content but at the same time I give it an A for entertainment. A true triumph.**

Ginny: Finally! Someone who can see exactly what this story really is all about. Thank you for the comparison to 60s sci-fi b-movies, but I don't think we'll ever quite measure up to the standards of classics such as The Phantom Planet. Did you know the people who sing the theme song for The O.C. totally ripped off their name from that movie?

Hermione: Did you just say The OC? OMG, I like totally love that show!

Ginny: Err... Hermione, that wasn't really the point but...

Hermione: Benjamin McKenzie is like SOOOOOO hot!

Ginny: Actually, I prefer Adam Brody.

Hermione: _Pulls out her wand and aims it at Ginny. _Silencio!

Ginny: ...

Hermione: So, back to what you were saying, Cub. The OC totally rocks!

**

* * *

**

**Captain Scarlet penguin keeper wrote:   
This is so funny, and you're putting it together well, can't wait to see the other endings. I know, Dumbledore did it. Or it was fang, (the three headed dog is in fact fluffy, fang is Hagrid's, doesn't matter though) Come on, I'll give ya a cookie. Anyway, nice writing.**

Draco: I'm glad you liked it. I can explain the whole Fang/Fluffy mix up thing. You see, in the world of writing, it's common speculation that the author puts themself into the story. Lammy actually put herself in the story as me. It's no coincidence that I symbolized the loony drunk. In fact, Lammy was drunk the entire way through writing this story. Mistakes were bound to be made. 

Trelawney: Cookie?!?!?! ME WANT COOKIE!!! Come back here, you scarlet penguin! I will find you and take your cookie! You can't hide from me, I have the INNER EYE!

**

* * *

**

**:.K.: wrote:  
OMG OMG OMG **

**HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...**_ (it goes on like this...)_

** breathes **

**AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... **_(etc.)_

Ron: Glad you liked the story K!

Draco: Shut up, Weasley. Can't you see K would rather be answered by a suave, debonair man such as myself? _Draco's voice suddenly changes into a low, Barry White-esque voice. _I am very pleased you liked the story, K. If you're not busy on Saturday, I could take you to the Three Broomsticks. I'd buy you a butterbeer and let you stroke my long, hard.... hair.

Hermione: Your hair is hard? Oh please, you just wanted to make it sound dirty.

Draco: I happen to use a lot of hair spray. There's nothing wrong with a guy who's man enough to take care of his looks.

**

* * *

**

**miss rix wrote:  
this is HILARIOUS!  
please please continue!! i must know who killed him!!**

Harry: I can save you the trouble, miss rix. It was Professor Snape, he killed Percy. Killed him dead.

Snape: _Looks over at Harry then turns and looks at the rest of the group._

_The rest of the group nods at him._

Snape: Avada Kedavra!

Harry: _Dies_

Everybody: Hooray!**

* * *

**

**Darkaus wrote:  
so far very funny!! i love the Clue series!! i had to submit this review now but i will finish this story even ifmen with white suits enter room no!! not now! no! well done!!**

Dumbledore: Glad you liked it, Darkaus! And you must be pretty great to realize that this is a total rip off of Clue. A million points for you!

McGonagall: Albus, I hope you realize this STILL isn't Who's Line is it Anyway.

Dumbledore: Really? Well it should be!

**

* * *

**

**REMINDER** -- As I stated before, I am NOT going to be answering any more reviews. If you do review, please do it as a regular review and not a Q & A sort of format. I would have continued to do this, but it is in violation of the rules. If you want to review my story just out of the goodness of your own heart, then go for it. But do not expect any feedback. Thank you so much again for reading my fic!


End file.
